What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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