Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
