I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
