Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
