The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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