So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
