I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
