Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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