she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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