If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Randomize
