I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
