You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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