new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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