He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
