Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
