mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
