I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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