my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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