Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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