Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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