the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
