Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
