I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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