It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
