So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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