i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
