im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
