I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize