How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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