I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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