I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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