My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
