Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
