do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
