Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize