In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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