Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
