What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
