apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
