Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
