The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
