either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
