apparently the secret to your success is patron
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
