I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize