There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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