i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
