areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
