Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
