got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
