a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
