Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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