I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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