Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
