i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
