I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My bed smells like the plague
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize