Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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