Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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