If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
