Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
