i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
