i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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