The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
