He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
